People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
You Might Also Like
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
had to make it
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you