People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.