@_davidlucas_

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

You Might Also Like

@chetporter

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@QwertyJones3

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

@PJTLynch

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

@shondarhimes

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@HenpeckedHal

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

@JermHimselfish

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

@ghostkrogh

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

@Its_Miss_Riss

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.