People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves


Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.


I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.


I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.


Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.


america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky


Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.


Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.