People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
i’m laughing very hard in real life
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Last-minute gift idea!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u