People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.