People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes