People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
who did the taste test?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
So inspired right now.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously