people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
You Might Also Like
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
🌱🌱🌱
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!