People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
You Might Also Like
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.