People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
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We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Google Pay be like:
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.