@DanMentos words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
@Greg_1_Leg People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
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@DanMentos 
@WritePlay SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
@junejuly12 [Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
@kiel_phillips ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
@Prof_Hinkley [emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
@dubstep4dads Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
@caseytduncan If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
@ColoradoCrow Croquettes are not female crocodiles
@_NikSpace Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
@Cheeseboy22 It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.