@Greg_1_Leg

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

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@DanMentos

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

@junejuly12

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

@kiel_phillips

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

@Prof_Hinkley

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

@dubstep4dads

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

@caseytduncan

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

@_NikSpace

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

@Cheeseboy22

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.