People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
⛄️
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.