People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I’m tired tomorrow.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?