People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Thursday Thought.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”