People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
This was my dad’s browser history.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger