People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.