People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.