People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.