People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?