Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

who wore it better?

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”