People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
