People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
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I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?