pep talk
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
What personal space?
My dog
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.