PER MY LAST EMAIL
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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake