per my last wtf
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants