Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.