Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*weighs self after shaving
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Livid.