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[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.