@SondraDeeMe

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

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@KattsDogma

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

@NickBossRoss

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

@StupiDucker

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

@Angibangie

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

@TragicAllyHere

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

@murrman5

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

@

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it