Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
🤣✨#caturday
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee