Perfect.
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Heroic Misunderstanding
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*