Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My friend鈥檚 band is called Duvet.
It鈥檚 a cover band.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
All I鈥檓 saying is when a person is intoxicated, it鈥檚 difficult to tell if they鈥檙e dancing or backing up.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
Mrs. Jekyll: I鈥檓 eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Me: I鈥檇 like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god