I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: no hablo Inglés
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.