@ShawnGarrett

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

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@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@Humor_Fetish

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@McMcmadmac

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

@DurtMcHurtt

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

@The_can_maker

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

@msdanifernandez

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

@The_Sculptress

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.