Perfection.
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.