[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
#oldknees
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?