[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’