*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy