*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.