Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction