Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”