Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?