Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
New favorite tiktok
oh good, now I can stop drinking
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat