Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us