@preritpathak

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

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@BizarreLazar

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

@SirEviscerate

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

@OfficeofSteve

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

@elizaleela

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@RickAaron

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

@slimmy_shady

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

@oPinotNated

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

@curlymalloy

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!