Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
This is me
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.