Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.