Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
You Might Also Like
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Is your wife single?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.