Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”