(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮