Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
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You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.