Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Cndnsd Mlk
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.