[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
tell em, edith-anne
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game