Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.