Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Who knew!
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”