Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
fixed it
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.