Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
girls literally only want one thing..
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Just a bush.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr