Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

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Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.


there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick


[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy


While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”


Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.


me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here


Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter


I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”


Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard


me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what