Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*


Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha


I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.


I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.


No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.


sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means