Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket